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The Tug

Tug Staff Treated for Addiction to Esther Kennedy



After checking themselves into a voluntary rehabilitation hospital last July, Tug staff have been successfully treated for their addiction to writing about Portsmouth's notable Esther Kennedy.


All three to seventeen of the Tug Portsmouth journalist and editorial crew have been discharged and promise to once again resume their post as the Seacoast’s only reliable news source, under the court-ordered mandate that we never again write about the City Councilor formerly known as Esther Kennedy. We will focus on other topics, from the heartwarming to the controversial to the blatantly clickbait.


“You have to understand, the jokes... they just wrote themselves,” said Tug Editor-in-Chief. “It was just too easy and pumped that sweet, sweet dopamine like a brand new wastewater treatment plant. We swear to never again mention anything about the hilariously dumb and evil things she’s done, joke about her bizarre cadre of supporters, and certainly not write about - sorry, sorry. There I go again.”


So dedicated are we that we’ve decided to up our game. We are now the Tug Seacoast and have acquired correspondents from Rochester to Kittery (Kit’ry? How the hell do you hicks say it? Whatever).


“We could have sold for a cool seventy bucks or something,” said the Chief. “That would buy like one outsourced article... oh man that would be so fucking awesome I can see it now. I mean NO - we just couldn’t give in to that temptation.”


“As we say in the basement, I mean, the ‘office’ - one tug at a time. For now, we’ll just stick to the cocaine.”


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