Ticks Flee Portsmouth Due to Rising Housing Costs

PORTSMOUTH, NH—If you’ve noticed a lack of ticks this year, recent studies show that they, too, are abandoning the City of the Open Door due to skyrocketing housing prices.

"Ticks have been a part of the New Hampshire ecosystem for centuries," said entomologist Dr. Timothy Legman. "But it seems they just can't keep up with Portsmouth's inflated housing market. Even the ticks are saying 'enough is enough.'"

"We've sucked the blood of Portsmouth's elite for generations," lamented Bill Zimler, a spokesperson for the Seacoast Parasitic Union of Ticks (SPUT). "But even we can't stomach these ridiculous prices."

Despite their unwelcome reputation among humans, ticks had become a fundamental part of the local ecosystem, responsible for such vital roles as infuriating dog owners, terrifying parents, and nearly killing several prominent annoying residents.

“The mayor even gave us a lifetime achievement award for that one,” said Zimler.

The issue came to light after a sharp drop in reported Lyme disease cases. As health officials rejoiced, local entomologists were left scratching their heads—not due to tick bites, but pure confusion.

"We initially thought the decrease was due to an effective public health campaign," said Dr. Legman. "But then we realized that was highly unlikely. So we started looking at other factors. We were as shocked as anyone to find out it was due to ticks being priced out of their local habitats."

A typical tick's abode has seen its rent increase by an unprecedented 200% in the last year. Local realtors attribute this surge to the influx of other parasites, such as urbanites from Massachusettes and New York, seeking rural havens.

"It's a tough time to be a tick," said the SPUT spokesman. "All we can do is hold onto our tiny hats and hope for a drop in prices. Until then, we'll be setting up camp in less trendy locales. Watch out, Farmington, the ticks are coming."