There was some respite from the ongoing drought in the Seacoast as a successful ritual sacrifice by the City of Portsmouth first brought heavy thunderstorms last weekend, and then again this weekend Sunday evening into Monday.
“We were weighing all of our options,” said Councilor Joshua Cyr, still dressed in a full length hooded black robe, still holding the cruel, curved ritual knife that cut out Josie Prescott’s heart in Portsmouth’s first human sacrifice. “We were considering a water ban, but a motion was brought up in non-meeting that we could just return to the Old Ways. There was some deliberation as to what exact method to turn to – dowsing, rain dance, beseeching the Japanese thunder god Raiden, but we settled on ritual sacrifice. That’s always worked for Portsmouth before, and it worked again now.”
“We established a committee right away,” said City Manager John Bohenko, hands bloodied and holding the Sacred Scentless Incense. “Matters like this require some expert opinion. Nancy [Pearson] volunteered to do the killing, of course, but what to kill? What was appropriate? Goats? White bulls? Virgins? How many? We obviously didn’t want to invite a biblical flood, and we all know there’s no more virgins in Portsmouth now that Jack is mayor, am I right? We settled on three harbor seals sacrificed in the light of the crescent moon at 3:00am last [Wednesday] morning.”
“The results have been impressive,” said Mayor Blalock, still glistening with the masculine sweat of seal graves dug at midnight. “Bohenko did good work putting this together, and we give thanks to the harbor seals. May they rest victorious in death.”
The storm lead to several power outages as work crews scrambled to keep up with the unholy storm.
“The power outages last Sunday were never part of the plan,” Bohenko admitted Monday. “We got reports that some areas of Elwin Park and The Woodlands had reverted to a kind of Proto-Bronze age for most of Sunday. Heard they were spearing rabbits with sharpened sticks to feed their kids.” Shaking his head, he continued, “We might have overshot the mark, there. Maybe two seals would have done it. Elwin Park is rife with wild magic, so it’s tough to predict, especially when time is so critical.”
The council was worried about the effects of the storm and latent curses on the end of the tourist season, but turns out tourism didn’t take a hit, either. The Seacoast surfing community lined up after Hermine moved off-shore, bringing some “killer waves”, according to surf watchdogs.
“Man, usually east coast surfing is mushy, nothing but ankle busters,” said Cliff Branson, a local surfer. “I’m an ovo-lacto, but dude, if sacrificing some animals, or even people, every now and then brings gnarly sets like this, I’m down with it.”
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