No Longer Sporting His Laser Eye, Former Assistant Mayor and Superspy Shares His Vision for Portsmouth's Future
Dear citizens of Portsmouth,
You know me. I'm Jim Splaine, and I am announcing my run for Portsmouth Assistant Mayor. I know it's early, but the city needs me once again, now more than ever.
As a former secret agent who recently retired from espionage, I have seen firsthand the importance of innovative thinking when tackling complex challenges. That's why I've decided to bring my unique perspective to Portsmouth and address our city's critical issues: affordable housing and the lack of public restrooms.
The time has come for bold solutions to our city's pressing problems. As a secret agent, I've learned to approach every situation with an open mind and a willingness to challenge the status quo. By embracing these qualities, we can find innovative ways to improve the lives of Portsmouth residents.
First, let's talk about affordable housing. Our city desperately needs additional living spaces, and I believe that zoning all bridges for Accessory Dwelling Units (ADUs) is a creative solution to this crisis. By repurposing the untapped space beneath our bridges, we can create unique, affordable housing options for those in need. Plus, in the event of a high-speed chase where my spy car rolls over and I’m forced to face off against my opponents precariously facing certain death with no escape but the Piscatequa below, I’ll have plenty of valuable citizens ready to accept me as I swing via grappling hook and crash through their window, quipping, “ah, sorry, wrong room!” as I make my way back to the stairs to surprise the confused thugs.
This approach tackles the issue of affordability and ensures that we don’t ruin the character that makes Portsmouth what it is today.
Second, I believe that greater access to restaurant restrooms for public use is essential to improving the quality of life in Portsmouth. Our city has a limited number of public restrooms, and by opening up restaurant facilities for general use, we can address this shortage and make life easier for residents and drifters alike. Back when I was working under Comptroller F - you may know her as Mayor Eileen Foley - I would have to conduct covert operations in the face of overwhelming laser fire from Redgate/Kane’s henchmen. In those critical moments, I've been blocked from taking cover in a conveniently located restroom without first making a purchase. I know plenty of others can sympathize with me on that, even if they aren't world-class superspies like myself.
I recognize that my proposals may be met with skepticism, but I ask you to keep an open mind. Throughout my career as a secret agent, I've learned that the most effective solutions often come from thinking outside the box, as so many have done with the McIntyre project, for example.
I humbly ask for your support as I embark on this new mission to serve the people of Portsmouth. Together, we can transform our city with innovative and Michael-Bay-level-of-kick-ass solutions that address the issues that matter most to our community. I look forward to being your Assistant Mayor once again.
Sincerely,
Jim "002" Splaine
City Council Candidate and Former Secret Agent
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