After a unanimous vote by city council to spend general budget funds on the project, renowned wildlife scientist Dr. Merg Gerblestein has been contracted to study the baffling migration patterns of High Fivicus, or as locals call them, the feral Page patron.
Specializing in nuisance species, Dr. Gerblestein has already managed to tranquilize, tag and release several hundred patrons, tracking their movements with the sophisticated computer modeling program Bestial Roaming Oversight, or B.R.O.
“We lured in several members of the species by placing bottles of Twisted Tea next to a basic rabbit snare”, said Dr. Gerblestein. “Within three hours, we’d caught just shy of a hundred patrons. They’re clearly not used to foraging for themselves after being in captivity for so long.”
Portsmouth became overwhelmed by the migratory species after having been released from The Page several years ago, where their violent tendencies, bizarre social structures, and seemingly bottomless appetites for chicken tenders and early 2000s pick-up artist strategy were consistently nurtured by staff.
Dr. Gerblestein’s team also employed the use of a hologram depicting a young woman stumbling down a sidewalk in high heels, which attracted the remaining two hundred test subjects almost instantly.
With the tagging and releasing completed, Dr. Gerblestein was then tasked with monitoring the movements of High Fivicus, in an effort to discover patterns, and ultimately find them a new home away from normal, nice people who are not terrible.
“As you can see here, B.R.O. has already captured two significant migratory patterns. The first pattern, which we’ve given the designation ‘Blake’, shows them are bouncing quickly from bar to bar. This is due to them either being thrown out before they’ve finished their first drink, or because they realized they couldn’t buy HGH in the bathroom. This sends them in a perpetual loop around the city, in which they are forever searching for sanctuary that just isn’t there. Quite sad, really.”
The second major pattern, as Dr. Gerblestein referred to as ‘Spencer’, shows a distinctly different movement, in which the flock huddles together in a state of suspended animation. New research gives us insight as to why they’ve chosen these three specific locales. “They’re not entirely comfortable there, but it seems as if they’re biding their time until somebody decides to open something more appropriate, like a Hooters or a Tilted Kilt”, Dr. Gerblestein explained.
A third and much smaller migratory pattern, code named “Chaz”, shows ex-Page patrons splintering off to attempt nesting in adjacent towns, such as Somersworth, Rochester and Durham. No attempt whatsoever has been made by researchers to re-trap these specimens and bring them back.
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