DOVER, NH — In a bold move to capitalize on the misery of countless trapped motorists, the City of Dover announced this week its plans to convert the Central Avenue traffic quagmire into a bustling outdoor farmers market and craft fair. The decision comes as the Chestnut Street bridge remains out of commission until May, rendering the arterial road a nightmarish hellscape of honking horns and frayed tempers.
"We believe that building a farmer’s market and craft fair - those things that everyone loves for some reason - in the midst of gridlock will not only alleviate boredom but also stimulate the local economy," said City Manager Michael Joyal. "Our vision is to transform this standstill into a thrilling, one-of-a-kind shopping experience that drivers can enjoy while they wait for the guy in front of them to just go already."
Dubbed the "Central Avenue Park and Buy," the market will feature a wide array of vendors selling everything from artisanal jams to live chickens, all conveniently located within shouting distance of stranded drivers.
"I was stuck here for 45 minutes last week, cursing my very existence," said one motorist, who preferred to remain anonymous but was definitely a nurse. "But now that I've had a chance to haggle over the price of handcrafted jewelry while my car spews exhaust fumes, I can't help but appreciate the silver lining of the situation."
To accommodate the market, the city has also made several changes to the existing infrastructure. The streetscape has been remodeled with the now familiar nouveau rustic trappings of 21st-century upper-middle-class sensibilities, including wooden crosswalks, hanging open-fillament lights, and a 24-hour Mumford and Sons cover band. The traffic lights have been reprogrammed to last approximately as long as it takes to complete a purchase or engage in a heated negotiation, resulting in a somewhat more relaxed atmosphere.
"Our mission is to create a positive experience out of a dire situation," said local artisan and market organizer Michelle Chutney. "Plus, it gives us a fantastic opportunity to showcase our homemade kale-infused kombucha to a captive audience."
Not everyone is thrilled with the bazaar, however. Local environmentalists have raised concerns about the potential increase in air pollution as vehicles idle for even longer periods, and some motorists worry about the distractions the marketplace could create.
But city leaders remain undeterred: "Let's focus on the bigger picture here,” said Mayor Robert “Bob” Carrier. “We're turning a traffic snarl into a thriving marketplace where local artisans can connect with their customers. If that means bringing a few more inches of sea level rise to those snobs downriver, then so be it."
As the Chestnut Street bridge languishes in disrepair, Doverites and commuters alike can take solace in the fact that their daily commute is now a journey of exotic sights, sounds, and smells. And while the bridge may eventually be repaired, one thing's for sure: the memories of haggling over goat cheese in gridlock will never fade.
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